This is a post I have been trying to write for a while now, but I just couldn’t seem to put it together properly. It’s all about feeling a little bit lost.
Becoming a mother is quite extraordinary because the world around you suddenly changes and nothing can prepare you for that. To be honest it can be quite difficult to make sense of it all at first and you are so overwhelming exhausted, it can almost seem like you live in a haze. At points I felt like I was going a bit mad and I really needed to just talk about something other than babies. The thing is, mothers at baby groups look at you like you are a complete lunatic if you try to talk about anything other than babies. I remember trying to talk about wanting to go and see a comedian and the other women at a local baby group literally shunned me. After that, I didn’t discuss anything other than the consistency of nappies (I mean really, in any other social situation this topic is not acceptable) and weaning. Oh so much pointless chat about weaning. How many times can you talk about a baby eating carrots?!
Then of course there was the constant of acting like I had it all together, because god forbid I be an actual human being that isn’t Mary flaming Poppins. I also had to scrap my sarcasm and sense of humour because being sarcastic about anything to do with babies is also frowned upon. Apparently noting my son’s monk like hairstyle when his baby hair began to fall out was deemed a bit too insensitive for his feelings. At the time, he didn’t know what his feet were, but yes would be permanently damaged because I said his hair resembled Friar Tuck’s. Give me strength.
I am a really sarcastic person and I do make light-hearted fun of my children’s quirks (Oliver has this cracking stand at the moment, he looks a bit like PC Plod), but here is the thing I make fun of myself and my quirks all the time. It’s not healthy to take life so seriously and I’m glad I show my children it is okay to not be perfect and to actually laugh at themselves.
Pretending to be someone I wasn’t and forcing conversations that quite honestly bored me to tears all became very tiresome and after a while I didn’t have much to say for myself because I had forgotten who I actually was. My life was all about babies, mushing up carrots and pretending my toddler didn’t tantrum. Until one day I decided that actually I was fed up of pretending to be this person I wasn’t, because actually I don’t have it together most of the time at all. In fact I’ll admit I’m completely, 100% winging it.
Over the past two years, I have evolved more as a person than at any other stage in my life. Everything from my thought process to my dress sense has changed and it has taken some time to readjust. I still love reading and I still always think ‘just one more chapter’, only to end up reading well into the small hours. I still enjoy going to the gym and I still only do as much as I feel like, without having a set goal. I still find doing my make up a chore and don’t get overly excited about new beauty products. I’m still hardworking and still push myself to breaking point far too often. While there are lots of things about me that have stayed the same, there are a lot that have changed. I’ve become a lot less outgoing and like to stay home in my little bubble, with my little family. One of my favourite things to do is gardening, something I would never have imagined enjoying a few years ago. I actually watch Downton Abbey on boxset and I really like Indian food now. I enjoy getting into my pyjamas a lot more than getting ready for a night out and I am much more likely to grab a pair of flats opposed to some killer heels. I’m still me, but a different version.
Since becoming a mother, I’ve evolved as a person and it has actually been a pleasure finding myself again. While I used to care about how people perceived me, now I’m less bothered. In fact I’m not bothered at all. If people deem me as boring because I like to stay at home with my family, potter around in my garden or spend my evenings watching Downton Abbey opposed to getting drunk in the same nightclubs every weekend, then that’s fine. If other parents deem me as mean and a terrible mother because my toddler has the occasional tantrum and I said my baby looked like Friar Tuck before his hair grew back, then that’s fine also. My universe has shifted and other’s opinions of me aren’t in the centre of it anymore, my family is and quite honestly I wouldn’t have it any other way, because now, now I’m feeling a lot less lost.