Many of you will have noticed that I have gone slightly quiet on the blog of late and that is because I have been struggling to come to terms with the events of the past few weeks.
Since having Monkey, my monthly cycle has been a bit out and to be honest I gave up trying to keep track, that was until my pelvic pain started coming back and I realised I couldn’t even remember the last time I had had a period. In a slight panic, Mr. C ran out for a pregnancy test, the second he was back through the door I took it, there and then.
Afterwards, I sat in the hallway looking at it. There they were, two blue lines, clear as day. A positive pregnancy test. I just stared at it, we had been incredibly careful, it was virtually impossible to be pregnant. Yes I’m aware that no contraceptive is ever 100% effective, but I never expected to be in the small minority where it didn’t work. But despite that and the fact both of my children are still under two, I was sat looking at a positive pregnancy test all the same. I’m a firm believer that every baby is a blessing, but that didn’t stop me feeling completely unprepared for three children. We don’t have enough room in our house for a start, then there is the fact that Oliver hasn’t even turned two and Monkey isn’t even six months yet.
We decided to take a step back to give ourselves time to get around the idea of having another baby so soon after Monkey. Within a week we had gone from completely shell shocked, to planning a garage conversion to make more room. I mean we had said we wanted three, although admittedly we were thinking of a three year age gap between Monkey and the next one. We began looking at it like we had been given what we wanted slightly earlier than originally planned and instead of 3 years, we would have 13 months. It would be incredibly hard work, but we love being parents and we like a challenge.
A trip to the doctors and some vague dates later, it was confirmed that I was anywhere between five and eight weeks pregnant. But then I started to bleed, just a little at first and then a lot. I sat in the nursery cuddling Monkey looking out into the garden at the two rose bushes planted for the two babies I’d lost before and all I kept thinking was that I couldn’t go through another miscarriage. Another baby I will never meet. Another baby I will never get to know. Despite being a complete shock and unplanned, we still knew we wanted the baby. That they would become another much loved member of our little tribe. Another part of our family.
I was booked into an early pregnancy scan that week. I sat in the waiting room, just hoping that it would be an unexplained bleed, that it was nothing to worry about, that our baby was still there and their little heartbeat was going strong. But that wasn’t the case. The scan confirmed that I had miscarried again. It felt almost cruel, to go through such a shock, that we not only came to accept, but had become excited about, only to have that taken away from us.
There were so many emotions to deal with, I just felt so drained and exhausted. Every miscarriage has been extremely difficult to deal with, it is a pain like no other. I couldn’t find the words to portray how I was feeling, but then a friend of mine described miscarriage perfectly. She described it as “a very internal pain and one that nobody can truly share with you.” It is something that I have sought comfort in, knowing that while it is a pain I feel I am alone in, it is the same lonely pain that others can relate to. Despite people continually telling me that miscarriage is very common, especially in early pregnancy, it doesn’t alter the fact that my heart still feels broken and it doesn’t alter the fact that there will be yet another rose bush planted in my garden.